Thursday, August 27, 2009

You can work it out

So, Deepa came to me weeping furiously. Yet another fight I thought. She plopped herself down on the chair in front of me sniffing and muttering between the sniffs. I handed the tissue box to her and passed her some water. It was 11 am on a Wednesday not the best time for my boss to see me doing girl talk. I meekly went up and shut the door.

Deepa continued sobbing and grabbed tissue after tissue. After about two minutes of the sobbing silence, I asked – “deepa, you want to tell me what happened?” Hysterically Deepa started speaking and in between sobs and sniffs I could understand are as follows:
· I don’t understand men
· What do they want
· Why are they always creating issues over non issues
· What’s the point of being together if all we can do is fight
· I don’t want to continue like this.

Oh and she also slipped in the fact as to how lucky I was not to have a man in my life to deal with all this on a regular basis. Deepa was engaged to Amit. They seemed really happy and things were going on fine. One fine day these fights started and non issues became issues, frivolous stuff became larger than life and what they used to love about each other became problems. A story of every couple, I thought.

I wondered- “What does it take for two people to be happy?, why is that all couples start all great and amazing and sooner than later regular mundane issues take precedence, tempers fly, impatience creeps in. Each one wants to change the other for their need. Why??? Did you not choose to be together because you liked the differences and in no time you want to change the person to what is acceptable to you?

My mind wandered and I worried about various things- are their really two people who are meant to be together? How do u resolve issues which cause friction- do you sleep over it and let it pass? Or you discuss it but do these discussions lead to any conclusion? Two people are bound to differ and one has to accept the differences but as human beings we can’t. We can’t accept and we can’t let go. We hold on to things which can be brushed aside by a hug or maybe a blind eye but the wet towel on the floor, the scattering of shoes, the food items for dinner become bones of contention. Why?? I would think that a couple can change a bit for each other and accept the rest of the differences but easier said than done. Overtime, the real person hidden behind the courtship period emerges and rigidity sets in. I had no answers to any of these questions for myself or for Deepa. “You can work it out” is all I could tell her!!

Maybe a few rules would help as and when I do find my special someone-

· Never sleep over a fight
· Have your own world- do your own thing, have your space
· Learn to ignore a couple of things/remarks/comments/ situations (however, this can work only if the other person does the same)
· Don’t discuss every single contention and over rationalize so much so that you make an issue where there is none. Sometimes a blind eye, counting to 10 or just a hug solves things
· Accept the differences- its good. (mutual acceptance is the key)
· Learn to let go- never keep things to your heart
· Apologize even if it not your mistake

No one is made for each other but you take the good things and sort the rest. Its going to be a trail and error method and soon a couple will become attuned to each other. However, the change is a phase and it will happen over a period of time. Nothing is easy and relationships are definitely not so do a few things and over time probably it will be worth it, maybe not that day but when you look back these small things will make the big difference.

Oh! In the meanwhile I consoled Deepa. Amit had called and sent her flowers. She was smiling at an sms when my train of thoughts ceased. I could not help but smile. Relationships… .. there will always be the devil on one side and deep sea on the other and meanwhile we can just walk the line!

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